This country is so fucked up, I can't believe it. I can't believe that we haven't died already.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
broke as i'll ever be...
I should be doing my homework right about now. Yeah...I got some math homework which will probably be a joke. And I have Human Sexuality homework which will probably be fun. So, all in all, between jokes and fun, I should be giggling my little (yet meaty) ass off. But no. I don't want to laugh. Well, I do. But not from homework. I bought a book about orgasms. Called Orgasms. Research purposes, ya know? Well. yeah. And I just finished reading Fight Club. I just want to fucking read my own shit. I fuckin' hate school for this purpose. I have five books I want to read but they will sit on the shelf (pun?) because I gots me some homezworkz to be doin' up in here.
I'm relatively impressed with my ipod's headphones right now. They're still the ones that Andrew gave me--and typically they suck. But I think it's because my ears are void of wax. Typically, the little ear buds do not stay in my ears for shit and I am constantly shoving them down my ear hole so I can listen to a song. But I'm towelin' it up as of current, thus I just cleaned my ears and made them waxless. So I guess they're staying? Ehh...
So, please read Fight Club. It's a very good book, written very well. It makes you cringe. It makes you bite your bottom lip. It makes you want to stop reading only because it's really good. If that makes sense. Every so often a book comes along that makes you feel things in a unique way. And this is one of those books. I look forward to reading more by this Chuck man :)
Ermm....what else? I have Dorito breath. I should never eat Doritos ever again. Who wants to kiss a girl with Dorito breath.
I should put lotion on my body and get crackin' on some math and sex shit.
I know crazy people. Crazy people are in those walls, always talking and looking. They're crazy. Or am I the crazy one?
I'm relatively impressed with my ipod's headphones right now. They're still the ones that Andrew gave me--and typically they suck. But I think it's because my ears are void of wax. Typically, the little ear buds do not stay in my ears for shit and I am constantly shoving them down my ear hole so I can listen to a song. But I'm towelin' it up as of current, thus I just cleaned my ears and made them waxless. So I guess they're staying? Ehh...
So, please read Fight Club. It's a very good book, written very well. It makes you cringe. It makes you bite your bottom lip. It makes you want to stop reading only because it's really good. If that makes sense. Every so often a book comes along that makes you feel things in a unique way. And this is one of those books. I look forward to reading more by this Chuck man :)
Ermm....what else? I have Dorito breath. I should never eat Doritos ever again. Who wants to kiss a girl with Dorito breath.
I should put lotion on my body and get crackin' on some math and sex shit.
I know crazy people. Crazy people are in those walls, always talking and looking. They're crazy. Or am I the crazy one?
{I felt like crying
So I swallowed him instead}
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I wear your black eyes
What I've gathered from my college experience thus far: it is much more than it ever was Freshman year. I have that congested feeling in my chest. Where if I think of all that I have to do and learn and keep up with, it tightens and I feel the stress rising in my chest. And to escape, it travels to my shoulders...as per usual. But, oh boy, do I feel it. And see it on my face :(
And in these changes that I have experienced over the past two weeks or so, I have felt out of place. Like I do not fit in with the people that I study amongst. I am nothing like the students at large. Many of the students that attend this institution do not give a shit about their studies or the well being of others outside of their shitty friends. Hofstra, for them, is high school that they get to dorm, smoke, drink and have lots of sex at. And I dont feel the same way about education (I do not drink or have sex).
To zoom in further to my experience thus far, are my classes. Two of my five classes, I feel like the minority because, well, I am. Persian, for example. Besides the fact that it stresses the fuck out of me because it's a new alphabet and new language and everything, I am the only white person in a room of nine, including professor. Now, this doesn't actually bother me in the sense that I fear they will perform odd Middle Eastern voodoo on me, but in the sense that I have a disadvantage compared to the other students in the class. They are Persian. They just seem to get it. While I don't just get it. And in this sense, I am singled out. They know I am not Persian. I have no relation to Iran whatsoever except for what I read in the news. And Sam Sharifi :) But I, myself, am not Persian. I am a minority and I am struggling. I feel like that foreign kid in your high school English class that doesn't really fit in with your other white, English speaking classmates because they're not totally familiar with the way we approach studies and our language. I am that foreign kid that struggles at first and everyone feels bad for that foreign kid because they are cute and foreign and the fact that they can't pronounce "door" like you, makes all the girls go "aww, that's cute." At least I would if I were one of the girls.
Another class that I'm a minority in is my LGBT class. I'd say there are twenty-ish kids in this class with an even mix of males and females. There are a few black people, an Asian girl, an Indian girl? and another chick that I think is Native American or something. Either way, most of the people are white or female. But I'm still a minority because I'm not gay and/or bisexual. Yes, I coin myself queer (I know the modern definition now and if you want to know why I define myself as queer, look it up) but I am not a gay man or a lesbian woman. I am a white female heterosexual who believes in sex and sexuality as open and free. But I do not share the same strife and experiences that many of my classmates do. And I'm an outcast in this sense. Yes, being in the same class as them makes me more aware but I do not totally get their experiences. Like, with coming out of the closet or growing up in a small, Conservative town as a gay person. Something along those lines. Yes, I've...dabbled. And that counts. But it's not the same. And I think I sorta get it a bit better now. Like, what it's like to feel left out of what other people are doing or feeling. What it is like to be different from the norm, which in this case, is straight. And I can only imagine what it is like to be surrounded by a bunch of straight people and to feel awkward being homosexual. Not like awkward is the right word...I can't really explain what I mean. But I'm the minority once again. And hey, I can't complain because it's a learning experience and something to carry with me. Even moreso, I do not want to take people or their experiences for granted. Now I just want everyone to feel welcome. And no, it's not like all of the gay people circle around me and taunt me for not liking the same sex, it's just that there is a sense of common experiences and understanding that I'm not totally part of.
But I am busy. When I'm not in class, I'm doing homework. When I'm doing neither of those, I'm with Ryan. I start work tomorrow, so let's just add that to my list of things to do, ya know? Right after two consecutive classes, I go right to the museum until five. And then I'm with Ryan until midnight or so. Luckily I only have one class on Friday, but after my math class, I am going to the museum again until five. And I dont know if Ryan will wait for me like he is doing for me tomorrow. He is too good to me, sometimes. But other times he holds me down so I cannot move and tickles my ear and stomach so I scream like a girly girl and can't move away from the tickling party that only he enjoys. Yeah...I love it, so he can continue to do it. But I'm so ticklish and it sucks at the same time. I'm very happy where I am. Sorta. I am happy to have what I have: education, a place to live, a caring boyfriend, good friends, et cetera. But sometimes I have to wonder what this is all for...
...I will continue school for at least another eight to ten years. After school, I work. And work and work and work until I die. What the hell is the point? Don't you feel trapped by this concept? Is this all worth it? I have so many other things that I could be doing with myself and I choose to attend classes and stress. Life should be lived, not loathed because of too much shit to do. I have Persian homework. And I will do my math homework so I dont have to worry about it tomorrow night when I'm with Ryan. Fuckin' shit. And I have to read for my other classes. It's a lot of work to do. But this is college, right? And it's supposed to pay off in the end. Yeah. We'll fuckin' see....
And I get it even moreso now. This is what college is about. It's about growing up and out and learning more things than what's in your textbooks. Going away to school helps to shed skin. Shed old insecurities and to make new ones after you teach yourself more things. I'm learning to be a good person, a good student, a good friend, a good girlfriend. I am learning that college is pivotal in that you realize things about yourself more than before. I suck at Persian right now. But I have faith in myself that I can learn some shit. And when I finish the class, I can walk away with a sense of pride and accomplishment for knowing that I did it all on my own and I didn't just give up because it was too hard. Let's face it, I'm a masochist. I like to feel the pain, in order to receive the pleasure.
Let's just study sex all of the time...
And in these changes that I have experienced over the past two weeks or so, I have felt out of place. Like I do not fit in with the people that I study amongst. I am nothing like the students at large. Many of the students that attend this institution do not give a shit about their studies or the well being of others outside of their shitty friends. Hofstra, for them, is high school that they get to dorm, smoke, drink and have lots of sex at. And I dont feel the same way about education (I do not drink or have sex).
To zoom in further to my experience thus far, are my classes. Two of my five classes, I feel like the minority because, well, I am. Persian, for example. Besides the fact that it stresses the fuck out of me because it's a new alphabet and new language and everything, I am the only white person in a room of nine, including professor. Now, this doesn't actually bother me in the sense that I fear they will perform odd Middle Eastern voodoo on me, but in the sense that I have a disadvantage compared to the other students in the class. They are Persian. They just seem to get it. While I don't just get it. And in this sense, I am singled out. They know I am not Persian. I have no relation to Iran whatsoever except for what I read in the news. And Sam Sharifi :) But I, myself, am not Persian. I am a minority and I am struggling. I feel like that foreign kid in your high school English class that doesn't really fit in with your other white, English speaking classmates because they're not totally familiar with the way we approach studies and our language. I am that foreign kid that struggles at first and everyone feels bad for that foreign kid because they are cute and foreign and the fact that they can't pronounce "door" like you, makes all the girls go "aww, that's cute." At least I would if I were one of the girls.
Another class that I'm a minority in is my LGBT class. I'd say there are twenty-ish kids in this class with an even mix of males and females. There are a few black people, an Asian girl, an Indian girl? and another chick that I think is Native American or something. Either way, most of the people are white or female. But I'm still a minority because I'm not gay and/or bisexual. Yes, I coin myself queer (I know the modern definition now and if you want to know why I define myself as queer, look it up) but I am not a gay man or a lesbian woman. I am a white female heterosexual who believes in sex and sexuality as open and free. But I do not share the same strife and experiences that many of my classmates do. And I'm an outcast in this sense. Yes, being in the same class as them makes me more aware but I do not totally get their experiences. Like, with coming out of the closet or growing up in a small, Conservative town as a gay person. Something along those lines. Yes, I've...dabbled. And that counts. But it's not the same. And I think I sorta get it a bit better now. Like, what it's like to feel left out of what other people are doing or feeling. What it is like to be different from the norm, which in this case, is straight. And I can only imagine what it is like to be surrounded by a bunch of straight people and to feel awkward being homosexual. Not like awkward is the right word...I can't really explain what I mean. But I'm the minority once again. And hey, I can't complain because it's a learning experience and something to carry with me. Even moreso, I do not want to take people or their experiences for granted. Now I just want everyone to feel welcome. And no, it's not like all of the gay people circle around me and taunt me for not liking the same sex, it's just that there is a sense of common experiences and understanding that I'm not totally part of.
But I am busy. When I'm not in class, I'm doing homework. When I'm doing neither of those, I'm with Ryan. I start work tomorrow, so let's just add that to my list of things to do, ya know? Right after two consecutive classes, I go right to the museum until five. And then I'm with Ryan until midnight or so. Luckily I only have one class on Friday, but after my math class, I am going to the museum again until five. And I dont know if Ryan will wait for me like he is doing for me tomorrow. He is too good to me, sometimes. But other times he holds me down so I cannot move and tickles my ear and stomach so I scream like a girly girl and can't move away from the tickling party that only he enjoys. Yeah...I love it, so he can continue to do it. But I'm so ticklish and it sucks at the same time. I'm very happy where I am. Sorta. I am happy to have what I have: education, a place to live, a caring boyfriend, good friends, et cetera. But sometimes I have to wonder what this is all for...
...I will continue school for at least another eight to ten years. After school, I work. And work and work and work until I die. What the hell is the point? Don't you feel trapped by this concept? Is this all worth it? I have so many other things that I could be doing with myself and I choose to attend classes and stress. Life should be lived, not loathed because of too much shit to do. I have Persian homework. And I will do my math homework so I dont have to worry about it tomorrow night when I'm with Ryan. Fuckin' shit. And I have to read for my other classes. It's a lot of work to do. But this is college, right? And it's supposed to pay off in the end. Yeah. We'll fuckin' see....
And I get it even moreso now. This is what college is about. It's about growing up and out and learning more things than what's in your textbooks. Going away to school helps to shed skin. Shed old insecurities and to make new ones after you teach yourself more things. I'm learning to be a good person, a good student, a good friend, a good girlfriend. I am learning that college is pivotal in that you realize things about yourself more than before. I suck at Persian right now. But I have faith in myself that I can learn some shit. And when I finish the class, I can walk away with a sense of pride and accomplishment for knowing that I did it all on my own and I didn't just give up because it was too hard. Let's face it, I'm a masochist. I like to feel the pain, in order to receive the pleasure.
Let's just study sex all of the time...
Who knows how much further we'll go on
maybe I'll be sorry when your gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
Sunday, September 7, 2008
throw your keys in the bowl
I think I feel things just as much as everyone else. I just dont parade my feelings around to everyone right off the bat. I'm more subtle about how I feel, ya know? Yeah, I think so.
I should get started on some homework. I have to read a chapter for Human Sexuality, a chapter for LGBT, and figure out math problems for my...you guessed it! Math class. Yeah. And Ryan is coming over again today so it might be a good idea to get choppin' on that shit now. So that is what I will do.
I think school should be okay this year. As long as I dont procrastinate too much. Or worry too much. Or not do work enough, I should be fine. I think Persian may very well be the end of my life. It is insane thus far. You want to know what the first letter of the Persian alphabet looks like? that's it. It's not an I or anything. No. It's a vertical line. Seems easy, but it's not that simple learning a foreign alphabet that looks absolutely nothing like yours. It follows with a horizontal-ish line and squigglies with dots and no dots and they connect or don't connect. And things such as that. Yeah. It'll be cool once I can read it. But I have the biggest disadvantage in my class considering I am the only white person who does not speak Persian or Hebrew. *sigh* fuck me and my boring nationality.
I should get started on some homework. I have to read a chapter for Human Sexuality, a chapter for LGBT, and figure out math problems for my...you guessed it! Math class. Yeah. And Ryan is coming over again today so it might be a good idea to get choppin' on that shit now. So that is what I will do.
I think school should be okay this year. As long as I dont procrastinate too much. Or worry too much. Or not do work enough, I should be fine. I think Persian may very well be the end of my life. It is insane thus far. You want to know what the first letter of the Persian alphabet looks like? that's it. It's not an I or anything. No. It's a vertical line. Seems easy, but it's not that simple learning a foreign alphabet that looks absolutely nothing like yours. It follows with a horizontal-ish line and squigglies with dots and no dots and they connect or don't connect. And things such as that. Yeah. It'll be cool once I can read it. But I have the biggest disadvantage in my class considering I am the only white person who does not speak Persian or Hebrew. *sigh* fuck me and my boring nationality.
whatever makes you happy
whatever you want
you're so fuckin' special
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
endless rain into a paper cup
So what's the dealio? It's my second official day of classes here at Hofstra University (established 1935). I had two very good classes. Human Sexual Behavior will be my favorite, Im telling you this right now. I just want my professor to teach me and only me. Fuck the other forty students. Just make it me and only me. Talk to me about sex. I want to learn the most. It's all way too fascinating to not learn. I just want to know it all. So I should be the only student in that class. My LGBT class is pretty sweet too. I like my professor a lot, he's a cutie. Or QT. Whichever. lolz.
And my boyfriend is pretty cool too. But he still didn't answer my IM yet.
I have homework to do tonight. But I am still Fran and I will procrastinate. Otherwise I am not Fran. Get it? Probably not. I shouldn't be eating all of the chocolate Ryan gave me because I will be eating ice cream cake soon for Sam's birthday.
I want to go to Broadway.
And cuddle.
Thanks.
And my boyfriend is pretty cool too. But he still didn't answer my IM yet.
I have homework to do tonight. But I am still Fran and I will procrastinate. Otherwise I am not Fran. Get it? Probably not. I shouldn't be eating all of the chocolate Ryan gave me because I will be eating ice cream cake soon for Sam's birthday.
I want to go to Broadway.
And cuddle.
Thanks.
you mean well but you make this hard on me
That thing in my chest is starting to come. Like, that feeling where I will be devastated if a certain someone just leaves my life right now. I like it. It makes me appreciate him more. But it's scary to think that something will happen and I will be left alone after feeling good things. It'll just keep me on my toes. And I wonder when loves settles in. Does it only feel real once you've actually said it and feel comfortable saying it? Or is it there and feels good thus why you say it? I dont know.
I dont want to be pregnant.
I really don't.
I had my first two classes today. Persian should be okay as long as I stay on top of my studies and not on the booze. And my history class should be okay only because the other students dont seem as studious as I am. I am looking forward to tomorrow's classes; LGBT and Human Sexuality. Two classes that I am sooo happy I got into and feel privileged to be studying.
And you know what else I like? I like it when your own feelings don't matter, ya know? All that matters is the other's happiness.
And I like that a lot.
I dont want to be pregnant.
I really don't.
I had my first two classes today. Persian should be okay as long as I stay on top of my studies and not on the booze. And my history class should be okay only because the other students dont seem as studious as I am. I am looking forward to tomorrow's classes; LGBT and Human Sexuality. Two classes that I am sooo happy I got into and feel privileged to be studying.
And you know what else I like? I like it when your own feelings don't matter, ya know? All that matters is the other's happiness.
And I like that a lot.
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