The truth is...

The truth is I start work at Panera in eight hours and thirty minutes. I should probably get to bed.
The truth is my butt still hurts from when I pulled a muscle from getting out of my car.
The truth is, even though I've been running lately, I'm getting nowhere physically because I had Outback two days in a God damn row.
The truth is, I'm terrified of living how I know I'm not intended.
The truth is, I never want to settle down and do only one thing.
The truth is, I love sex and I really want to study it without getting weird reactions for having such desires.
The truth is, I'm getting a headache.
The truth is, I'm nervous about starting at a new place.
The truth is, I'm tired of being new at so many establishments.
The truth is, money is more important to me now than it was two years ago.
The truth is, I doubt my intelligence when I really shouldn't.
The truth is I'm not smart enough to do great things.
The truth is I'm a horrible friend.
The truth is I'm a horrible person.
The truth is I want to taste the world.
The truth is, I want to be art.
The truth is I want to make art by being art.
The truth is Andrew wants to me finish what I started in regards to writing a screenplay and I know it won't happen because I give up halfway through everything because I'm bored.
The truth is I often wonder where my one true love lives.
The truth is, I'm not sure I believe in one true love anymore.
The truth is, I'm not grateful for what I have; instead I'm on the hunt for bigger and better.
The truth is, there may be nothing better than what I have now.
The truth is, I miss dancing in the rain
The truth is, I miss being myself.
The truth is, I feel like I will never complete college.
The truth is, I should drink water and sleep.

Sugar bear

Giraffe
To see a giraffe in your dream, suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed.
To dream that you are riding a giraffe, represents your desire to stand up amongst the crowd. You want attention, but aren't getting it



This means I am breaking up with Ryan because he wouldn't buy me a giraffe in my dreams...

Your love is gonna drown

I loathe sports fans on Wednesday nights. I don't get on the train until after 10pm but it hasn't failed yet that the train is always packed on Wednesday nights because of sports. And right now it's fucking hockey. I have no problem with hockey. I like that it is an alpha underdog sport with a huge but not absurd following. There are still a lot of hockey fans (apparently) and I happen to know a handful. Good for them. Really. But FUCK the people who go to the Wednesday games and take up all the seats on the train. I know the train can sit a lot of people, okay. I'm not an idiot. But there were people standing for pretty much their whole ride last night because it was that packed with obnoxious and happy Rangers fans and quiet Islanders fans. I get it, your team won and you're proud of it. But is it necessary to shout and cheer every five minutes about how amazing the Rangers are? I don't think so...it's not like they are changing the universe, here. And if they are, please forgive me, Ranger God. But what really annoys me about this whole sports thing on Wednesday nights is the fact that people bolt to the tracks once they are announced on the board. I don't mean rush. I don't mean run. I mean bolt. I mean the very second the two numbers appear on the screen next to the Ronkonkoma train, they are already half way down the fucking stairs, screaming the track number several times, often with child in hand--or nearby--or lost in the swarm of people. Explain to me what the point of this is? I mean, yeah, getting a seat is nice. But I have never seen sooo many people obnoxiously get to the train first. And it starts a frenzy because others see the people in front run, so they think they have to run as well. And the parents yell at their children to run faster in the crowd and keep up with them. Boyfriends yell at their girlfriend (or closet boyfriends) to hurry the fuck up. It's insane. And all to get to a seat first. As previously mentioned, there are plenty of carts. what the fuck is the rush? You're all assholes, hockey fans from last night. Your effort to look like a complete asshole paid off. Taking pictures in your jerseys in Penn Station, drinking beers from Penn Station and talking about how awesome your team is...and what was gross was sharing a bench with this Rangers fan last night. He was a bigger guy so his hip was touching mine the ENTIRE trip. Lucky me his stop was also Ronkonkoma...just like everyone else in my cart, apparently. And it was awkward talking on the phone with my boyfriend while this guy was obviously listening in on our philosophic conversation (Ryan likes to believe we have free will, while I'm a determinist...don't ask) as well as the other things we talked about. And his hip was touching me. His sweaty, warm hip. And I felt gross whenever he moved and I realized just how warm his hip was once I felt the cooler air. And as we got closer to the Ronkonkoma train station, he didn't get up untl the train stopped which pissed me off because I had to feel his damn hip the whole time and his hip moving so I could feel just how warm it was in comparison to the cooler air. So, fuck him too. And when the crazed animals exited the train, they ran to their cars, because obviously their cars are going somewhere, and there may not be space in them. And it was very unsafe, it drizzling out, the roads wet, and crazed and apparently high hockey fans running in circles getting to their vehicles (probably a Ford or a gas guzzling SUV to fit the overweight adults and/or children whom only watch hockey and talk about hockey, but would never dare to pick up a stick and play and actually lose the beer belly or McDonald's Happy Meals just wasting away in their stomachs). I was so annoyed. Can you tell?

Hey love, I won't hurt you.

It's snowing again! And that exclamation point isn't because I'm happy about it. It's more of an angry "!"...can you blame me? It snows everytime the snow we *just* had melts away. And all this snow makes my commute really sucky. Uber sucky. Only because I have to take an earlier train so I don't get delayed and miss class. I love being in Manhattan but I cannot wait for nicer weather! That exclamation point was meant to be happy. I want to be able to walk around a bit (and not just because I took the express 6 train or the wrong 6 train downtown and wind up on 33rd street). I'd like to visit Central Park and go running though I'm not sure what to do with my books. I guess I'll duct tape them to my chest and ankles and use them as extra weights? The thing about not having a car or a dorm room is that you can't put shit in it when you want and take it out when you need it. My life is a struggle, I know.

I made a new workout schedule. I workout six times a week and at the end of every two weeks, I weigh myself. And (my favorite part), if I complete all workouts at the end of two weeks, I get to treat myself to something. Whether it be lotion, underwear, chocolate. I don't know. My point in mentioning this is that part of my workout routine includes going outside to walk around the block five or six times. Aaaaaaaaaaand this fucking God damn snow makes it VERY difficult to do. For instance, I wanted to walk around the block and go running today but noooooo God has dandruff again. I mean, I did pilates instead and I loved it because it stretches me out. I didn't realize how stiff I was until I started doing the video. And I know I'm making progress because it isnt as hard to complete as it was when I first put the DVD into the slot. I can do some moves a bit better and I can do more of the moves straight through without having to pause every seven minutes. So kudos to me for not sucking. So yeah, tomorrow I'm gonna do pilates again because the snow is not letting up. I love doing pilates in the morning after I wake up because it gives me a good stretch. I sound like a rambling idiot now.

The fish died. Guess I'm not so surprised but it wasn't the fish I expected. The most mobile one of the two croaked. I saw him on his side this afternoon after Melany left the house and I freaked out. I couldn't look in that direction for about fifteen minutes (which made pilates very difficult when I had to rotate my head). Poor fishies. The other is sick and can't swim very well, if at all. And they are *my* responsibility so, in essence, my pets are gone. I want a dog so badly. I can't stand it.

I'm contemplating changing my major to anthropology. I know that I have to consider more than just "oh, that's cool" when determining my future but it may be a good fit. I could minor in anthropology, too. But I like the idea of being an anthropologist, studying people. To have superior knowledge about a certain group of people because I lived amongst them for years is awesome, challenging and fun. As an anthropologist I have more chance of traveling and seeing things than I do as a psychologist. Right? It's all a thought. I just think I'm so set on studying psychology that anything else is stupid. Don't listen to me.

I do not know what I'm doing with myself anymore. Care to join the club?




If I don't get some shelter
I'm gonna fade away.

Death becomes her

Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost myself. I am neither black nor white, but grey. I am grey, a rather boring color...if it's even considered a color, I don't know. Mix black and white together and one has grey. I am lost, perhaps not in a bad way, just in a different way. The old me and everything that I was has now changed. What hasn't changed is my stubbornness. I'm all about starting over, shedding old layers to let new ones shine through. So perhaps the grey me is what I am supposed to be for now. But my stubborn side won't let a part of the old me go. I refuse to let a part of me die because it is so important. Am I destined to just be a part of life instead of living it the way I please. No one knows what life is about but it's certainly not about giving up, right? Waving the white flag to life isn't the answer but it seems my grey self did just that. And whatever remains doesn't want to go anywhere. I'm still convinced that I'm meant to do something great and wonderful for all of humankind. Or perhaps one person. But that doesn't really matter. But where I am now, it seems that will never come true because...well, why? I'm not as free as I used to be. I'm older now. With age comes responsibility. And I have to worry about my future now. How it will piece together. Stupid grey. I'm sure black or white will come again but I'm stuck in grey, neutral. Blah. I'm becoming a new person again. I look different than I did three years ago. My hair is short and red, my body is more filled in, and my bones are more confident while still maintaining their shame for what they are, my eyes have aged from knowledge. This is grey. And I don't feel like my old self. Is it because I let it happen? Because circumstance let it happen? Is it meant to be so I have an AHA! moment and I shift gears into drive--black or white--and am no longer into neutral until I tire of driving again? What is this all about? It's about losing myself to something greater than you or I. And with all due respect, I suppose it's worth it. L-o-v-e. Love. The four letter word that shakes a human to the core. We all search, perhaps find, perhaps keep, perhaps not. But it shakes, rattles and rolls a human to their most human center. I'm lost because I was found by a man who loves me. And I have lost myself to something I cannot resist because it's sweet, salty and delicious all smushed into one. It seems that love morphed me into a new woman. I have more experience under (and below) the belt. Look, I even consider myself a woman now. Not just a girl who hasn't tasted the fear in love, but a woman who cups fear in her heart and lets it remain for as long as it wants. Maybe forever. Maybe another month. Whatever. I am lost, I have surrendered to love and perhaps this means I have, in fact, surrendered to life, as well. We may not know what life is about, but love is a major component of life. And I plan to live by life's rules....and giving into this means I forfeit other things. How I feel about people and the world at large. The "things" that were just things now mean something in my eyes because I'm grey, not black or white. In grey, things are more than things because you're looking for a side. Maybe I'll go to the dark side and give up more of myself and what I believe in. Looking at myself naked in the mirror, I see a woman who doesn't get herself. A woman who wants to understand the grey. A woman who doesn't feel like herself unless she's in a distinct color...once again, not sure what black and white are labeled.