Sometimes it's a sad song

I consider myself a fairly level-headed person. I mean, even when I don't do the most level-headed things, I am still conscious of it's unlevel-headedness. I know right from wrong fairly well and I know myself pretty well. But sometimes I have thoughts that are not level headed; they are down right stupid. And I know they are stupid but I cannot help but to think them and want to carry them out. For instance, the way my thoughts have been thinking (?) I am afraid of developing bulimia or annorexia. I haven't felt so horrible about my physical appearance in a very long time. And I think that this is the heaviest I have been in my entire life (taking into account, height/weight ratio, as well as age and muscle mass). Since the beginning of Freshman year I have gained a significant amount of weight. And it's never been so difficult to get rid of it. I know what I should do to make it better: exercise and a better diet. But it's hard to exercise with a million things to do all of the time. It's hard to eat properly when my skinny boyfriend can eat everything in sight and not gain weight, thus he persists on eating like a king everytime we go out to eat. Dining out is easily associated with filling yourself until you want to vomit because it's a treat to go out to eat. But Ryan and I eat out at least four times a week. And yes, at first I didn't eat a lot, but then you want a lot, and then you realize clothes don't fit as well, so cutting down is key...but food is a drug thus it's difficult to cut down. And I have realized that I have to be careful about what I eat. Every meal I eat has to be simple. I'm starting the habit of eating lots of little things throughout the day. I have grown to hate--no, abhor--food. I hate myself for being hungry. I hate myself for wanting food. I hate myself when I actually eat the food. I know I need food but I hate that I can easily gain weight for eating out while some people don't have that problem at all. I hate that it's obvious that I have put on weight. I hate that every advertisement on web pages is for weight loss; it only makes me think of my weight gain even more. I hate that I don't have the time or resources to eat healthier. I hate that another is invited to my body; I cannot keep my flaws to myself. I hate not seeing immediate results. And I hate hating the above. Why? Because it's foolish. I used to be so smart about myself. I knew that results wouldn't happen overnight, but now, when I come back from the gym, I look at myself to see how much I lost. I used to roll my eyes at the girls who would loathe themselves because they weren't skinny. And now I'm becoming one of those girls. I hate that I'm not healthy. I hate that I don't look healthy. I hate that I don't think in a healthy manner. I hate the world for making skinny the ideal. A couple hundred years ago, my body would have been da bomb. I would have been idolized for my child-bearing hips, nourished body and fatty breasts. And now, on websites, in stores, on TV, in magazines I am belittled for not being a size two. And ya know what? A fully grown woman in a size two doesn't look healthy anyway, so fuck you size two.

I get it now.



I didn't eat yesterday and
I'm not gonna eat today and
I'm not gonna eat tommorow.
Coz I'm gonna be a supermodel.
Supermodel, so beautiful.
I'm gonna be a supermodel.