Turn turn turn. I don't know what's going to become of my life. It's been a while since I've written in this thing. Just been too busy. Too much doing nothing, doing everything, hanging out. Not having more than three moments to myself. No more having my own space to do whatever I want. Less of being independent. More spanking and liking it. More orgasms and I can't complain. Less cuddling because there is less time. More feeling down on myself. More not knowing how Hunter is going to work out because my immunizations aren't in check (I paid $20 to get nowhere from my old doctor). More self-loathing. More hoping to change the world, more willing to settle for not changing the world. More wondering if people just settle. Turn turn turn. I saw my brother after Christmas...he seems to have gone from a young whipper snapper who knew what life was *really* about to caring more about the kind of speakers he had in his living room. As though they really count for shit. Turn turn turn. But maybe my perception about what life is really about is wrong. It's just a figment of my young mind. Life is really about having a nice home and nice cars and nice things and settling for the comforts of the Western world. Not discovering a new direction that isn't on a compass. Who can unlock what life is really about though? Many great women and men have asked this question for centuries, and no solid answer suffices. I guess life is meant for living...and what that living actually means is different for everyone. Just getting by isn't fair but it's worth it, while having more money than one knows what to do with is consequential, yet desired. And what exactly will my life become? With Ryan I see it one way. But if I were single, I would think of new ways to live in my thirties and forties. Turn turn turn. I think about love a lot lately. Mostly because I am in love. Sometimes I think my love isn't good enough for him because he is much more vocal about how much he loves me and how happy I make him. And at first I felt inadequate, but then I thought of it in the sense that everyone feels it differently. Two people in love may experience love--and both claim they are totally enamored--but what that absolute ga-ganess means to each person is something different. Intensity and perception are wild things, aren't they? Thus, anything that anyone says must be taken with a grain of salt because it will never match your own outlook. Crazy. In conclusion, I don't feel bad about being in love and how I feel because how I love is different than how he loves, but it doesn't mean that I mean it any less. Turn turn turn.
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
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