Just to sleep underneath your bed

So, once upon a time I started this trend called online dating. It seems that my success story gave ten people within my circle of friends the desire to start their own and find love. And perhaps it's getting out of hand? Yeah, most likely.

I start school tomorrow. I start school in a new place: Manhattan. Crazy, eh? I'm not used to commuting, ya know? My college experience has been a ten minute walk to the other side of campus, not traveling two hours west to go to school, only to come back in the other direction. I'm not sure if I'll ever finish college. Since I've started this whole college thing, I've had the mindset that I would transfer. Now. I have transferred. Does this mean that I'm going to stay? I hope so. But I think my mind is just wired to leave one place. I can't imagine me actually completing college, just taking classes, ya know? Just learning and stressing for a few semesters then finding a new place to do the same. Do this for a few years and give up with nothing to show for it but $60,000 in loans.

I'm in that phase again where I hate myself. It seems to be a roller coaster. For a few days I'm in full acceptance and I think that eveyrthing will be alright. And then I try on a pair of pants that were too loose two years ago and are too tight now and I hate myself. I think it's because I feel trapped. It's much harder to lose the weight now than it was in high school. Looking back, I was much harder on myself than I had to be. There was nothing wrong with my weight or size, but I never thought of myself as decent. And now, where I am now, I wish I was there again. I just don't want people who haven't seen me in a year to look at me and think "she has gained a lot of weight since I last saw her." Don't ask why there is such a focus on how much I weigh. Because it's really not the most important thing. But since it's on my mind so much I automatically assume that's what most people are going to think as well. And I know it's partly my fault. I complain but do nothing about it. Instead of walking at the park right now, I'm sitting on my bed writing about how I hate the way I look. What got me started in tenth grade was looking at old pictures of myself and being disgusted with the way I looked at that moment. That was the fire under my ass to be healthier. And it worked. I thinned out a lot in tenth grade, gained some weight throughout junior and senior year and by prom I was great because I walked a few miles each day in the park. And then college started and the Freshman thirty began and it's been hard ever since. Yeah, I'm gonna go to the park now. I need that fire under my ass again.


I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach