Death becomes her

Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost myself. I am neither black nor white, but grey. I am grey, a rather boring color...if it's even considered a color, I don't know. Mix black and white together and one has grey. I am lost, perhaps not in a bad way, just in a different way. The old me and everything that I was has now changed. What hasn't changed is my stubbornness. I'm all about starting over, shedding old layers to let new ones shine through. So perhaps the grey me is what I am supposed to be for now. But my stubborn side won't let a part of the old me go. I refuse to let a part of me die because it is so important. Am I destined to just be a part of life instead of living it the way I please. No one knows what life is about but it's certainly not about giving up, right? Waving the white flag to life isn't the answer but it seems my grey self did just that. And whatever remains doesn't want to go anywhere. I'm still convinced that I'm meant to do something great and wonderful for all of humankind. Or perhaps one person. But that doesn't really matter. But where I am now, it seems that will never come true because...well, why? I'm not as free as I used to be. I'm older now. With age comes responsibility. And I have to worry about my future now. How it will piece together. Stupid grey. I'm sure black or white will come again but I'm stuck in grey, neutral. Blah. I'm becoming a new person again. I look different than I did three years ago. My hair is short and red, my body is more filled in, and my bones are more confident while still maintaining their shame for what they are, my eyes have aged from knowledge. This is grey. And I don't feel like my old self. Is it because I let it happen? Because circumstance let it happen? Is it meant to be so I have an AHA! moment and I shift gears into drive--black or white--and am no longer into neutral until I tire of driving again? What is this all about? It's about losing myself to something greater than you or I. And with all due respect, I suppose it's worth it. L-o-v-e. Love. The four letter word that shakes a human to the core. We all search, perhaps find, perhaps keep, perhaps not. But it shakes, rattles and rolls a human to their most human center. I'm lost because I was found by a man who loves me. And I have lost myself to something I cannot resist because it's sweet, salty and delicious all smushed into one. It seems that love morphed me into a new woman. I have more experience under (and below) the belt. Look, I even consider myself a woman now. Not just a girl who hasn't tasted the fear in love, but a woman who cups fear in her heart and lets it remain for as long as it wants. Maybe forever. Maybe another month. Whatever. I am lost, I have surrendered to love and perhaps this means I have, in fact, surrendered to life, as well. We may not know what life is about, but love is a major component of life. And I plan to live by life's rules....and giving into this means I forfeit other things. How I feel about people and the world at large. The "things" that were just things now mean something in my eyes because I'm grey, not black or white. In grey, things are more than things because you're looking for a side. Maybe I'll go to the dark side and give up more of myself and what I believe in. Looking at myself naked in the mirror, I see a woman who doesn't get herself. A woman who wants to understand the grey. A woman who doesn't feel like herself unless she's in a distinct color...once again, not sure what black and white are labeled.