Listen boy, it's good information

I have decided to leave Hofstra and I'm content with it. I got accepted to Geneseo and I will tell them that I'll go there. I did apply to New Paltz as well, but I've decided that I don't want to go there. Yes, it's closer and may provide me with hippies and weed, but I think I need to get away. Even if that means seven hours away from home. I can do it, I'm a big girl. I've decided that I need a change of pace from the island and its busy banter. I'd like to be near cows and open valleys with trees and snow. I know I'll be driven psycho after a while, and I'll have not knowing anyone and starting over again, but, as mentioned, I can do it. Geneseo is a great school (especially for what I'd pay) and it can take me a lot of places. And like Hofstra has taught me, if it's not working out, I'm allowed to transfer out and find somewhere else. Talking to Karen at dinner tonight, going abroad sounds chill. No, not for just a semester, but to finish studies. How awesome would that be, to live in Europe for two years to earn a degree. I am going to miss the fuck out the people that I've befriended this year, but I'm okay with it. Yeah, I am Debbie Downer at dinner a lot when we're all laughing and happy and I mention that we'll never see eachother again. It's not cool, but it's okay. I've come to accept the fact that I have to leave for both monetary and emotional reasons. I have grown a lot since going away to school, but I'm still stifled by being only forty minutes from home; and I really can't afford the fucking tuition. And I've mentioned to several people that I'm going to Geneseo and I've gotten high fives. The RA Rob was really happy for me that I was getting the fuck out of Hofstra, knowing that I dont fit in with the majority of students that inhabit this pit of doom.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. What I want from it, what I don't and where I can picture myself. Each time I imagine something new as far as a career, the person I'm in love with, where I'm living, etc--but I'm always happy. I imagine myself transferring upstate and kicking my ass back into scholastic shape; Hofstra has exhausted the bum in me, and I need the disciplined student again. I have a chance to start over again, which is great. I picture myself stirring things up in the Genesee valley, and partaking in riots and petitions, like I did today. I want to learn to ride horses and tip cows and use snow shoes and learn to chill out for a bit. I want to say that I got to live in a different part of New York and experience lots of green grass, blue skies and emptiness. I'm going to miss the city and all it has to offer, but I'm going bonkers in monotony. If I stayed on the island for three more years, I'll be crazy. And I'll have more of an accent. Anywho, starting over means shaping the future that I want. I guess I feel like the further I am from home, the more likely I am going to stick it to the man and be how I want to be, not how people will perceive me. If I want to dye my hair red, then I will. If I want a tattoo, I'll fucking get it. If I want to wear suspenders, for christ's sake I will. If I want to rally against anti-gay marriage assholes, I'll fucking go and be awesome and stand up for what I believe in. And I won't have to worry about my parents raising an eyebrow because they won't be forty minutes away to stop me or see me.

I've thought it through. I know some of you will think I'm crazy, but Geneseo is a good fit. It's smart, it's far and it's serene. I can leave if I want--at least I tried it, right? Maybe I'm wrong and I'll come crawling back to Hofstra or somewhere else more populated with people rather than cows, but it was an experience. My first year of college I will never, ever forget. I dont regret coming to Hofstra, but I dont regret leaving either (as of current). I will be happy...but I won't force my happiness. If it's not a good fit I'll move on. But I'm really not terrified of being far from home; I'm just terrified of being bored. I like being away and living life on my own. I dont need anyone to hold my hand, and I'm not too insecure to leave friends, family and those that I love behind. Distance is only distance.

~
As a change of pace, I'm waiting for my roommates to go out to Dizzy's tonight. Them and a bunch of their friends are in the common room pre-gaming, and I'm chilling in my jammies, eating chocolate. I know that I seem like a loser to their friends, but I dont care. I need nights in, ya know? Lately, I haven't been in this room for more than like ten hours in a twenty four hour day...including sleep. I plan on showering (it's been about two days!), walking around naked, watching TV and prancing to my favorite part in Dancing Nancies. And if you don't like, go fuck your mom. I dont care.

I'm excited for Jen's birthday coming up! I got the days confused with dates and I thought that it was tomorrow, so I was all set for a Hooters fiasco. I was gonna get a good push up water bra and get a bad tan and dye my hair until it looks dried. And then, of course, buy eyebrow liner, so I have pencil thin eyebrows. I'd be sexy. Isn't it ironic how the typical Hofstra girl resembles a Hooters girl? Correlation of Hooters and Hofstra? Maybe. I mean, is the sky blue? But shyeah, Jen turning twenty-one is going to equal a serious amount of alcohol for me to consume for her birthday and anytime after when we want to get apple crunk LEGALLY with REAL alcohol...not malted beverages from 7-11. Fuckin-a.

I've been thinking about ________ a lot lately and I've decided to keep ________ a fantasy unless _________ says something to me first. It's not worth it. It's just not. Plus, I have ________ eye on __________, so it's __________. :)

werd.

I wish they'd leave already. My skin is itchy from all this clothing. I need some serious nakey time. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And five minutes later they're still here. And what a surpise! They have F's in their classes. Wow. A 61 in an open notebook test. That's great. Go Hofstra!

Two days ago was the one year anniversary of my uncle's death. It's just sad because he died the morning I was supposed to visit him. He was dying for about twelve years, so I wasn't surprised, but I knew he was leaving his money to me and I wanted to say goodbye and thanks for the cash. And thanks for believing in my intelligence, to let me use it for education. And thanks for helping to raise me when both parents were working a lot. And thanks for teaching me that it's okay to be messy when baking chocolate chip cookies. And thanks for helping me with hard math problems because you were a fucking genius at math. And I didnt get to say any of that to him. And I won't ever. I have to drive to Calverton one day and talk to his headstone for a bit. Tell him thanks and sorry that his body was ravaged with disease for so long and he suffered a lot. I do miss him. He was a good uncle/ second father.

On a lighter note, Cindy will hopefully read this soon. Hi Cindy!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

And I protested a war today. My first war protest ever. I got to wear a cool thing around my mouth to symbolize the silence that ravages us over the Iraq war. And we peacefully marched back to the Student Center, holding the statistic of the war. I was proud of myself because I stood out there, took shit from complete Republican assholes, and froze my ass off. But it's what I believed in, and I was proud that I finally did something about it instead of just complaing about how unfair and unjust it was. And in two weeks I'm protesting corporate companies and their treatment to farmers and their workers, etc. Yeah, I am a hippie and I'm gonna start being active in what I believe in. So fuck ya'll.

And they're still here? This is so long because I'm trying to occupy my time with this until they leave so I can be nakey. Ya know what? I'm just gonna go now because my fingers are tired. That's what she said.

Bye Cindy :)



All our lives, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.