I always want to kick myself in the ass. I'm such a Gemini and I cannot stand it sometimes. On the one hand I treasure intimacy and affection and on the other hand I can never show it. I won't allow people to be let into everything I have to offer. I seem to complain about things, but once they're put in front of me, I tend to look away and ignore them. I'm afraid exactly what I stand for which is such a Gemini thing to do. CAn someone explain to me why I have such a difficult time with this? Sure, I have reasons. I have psychological reasons. I have environmental reasons. I have personal reasons. But why? Why, why, why? I love romance and I love affection but when the opportunity comes, I'm afraid. And, in return, I push good people away.
Is this always a defense mechanism? I have to wonder. It's not always "being careful." Jen's right, I overanalyze things too much. Sometimes I need to have fun and forget about the worries. And I'm trying to work on it. But I've done a good job keeping a wall up to keep people out. And now, more than ever, I want to break it down but I have so much resistance it's not even funny. And I'm being told that my wall is coming down. I'm told how I'm reacting to things and that scares me. Was my wall ever that good then? Shit, if people can see what I'm feeling, my wall is a shitty wall. Or perhaps I put the incorrect wall up. I dont know, but I'm really tired of feeling this way.
Deep breaths. yeah? Does that trick really ever work?
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