I don't belong here

So where does one actually belong? If it's not here, and not there, nor to the left or the right...where does one go? Up or down? No, that's just silly. I guess the answer is all around. One should just be all around. Everywhere at all times, ya know? Never just stuck in one gear, in one place. Let's run rampant in the streets naked listening to good music in our ears and just being free. I dont belong here. Do you belong here? Well, maybe you do, but that's your decision. I belong elsewhere.

I'm sitting in my new room. I am sick. Not as sick as a dog, but I'm sick. Totally better than I was yesterday (my brain isn't about to explode) but I'm feeling iffy all around, ya know? And I'm just here being sick, going to work and being sick, talking to people and being sick, driving and being sick, being sick and being sick. And I need a shower. And perhaps someone to cuddle with...my Ralph pillow is tiring. It doesn't talk back and it doesn't like to give kisses. It doesn't have a tummy to rest my arm on so I can watch it move up and down when there is shallow breathing. It's something to cuddle with, but it's not what I'd prefer to cuddle with. And I need human contact when I'm sick. I learned this when going away to school. I need to be touched and rubbed and talked to. My body just doesn't respond to anything else. I guess I need to feel someone mother-like when I'm sick. And I dont got it. Yes, Andrew did touch me the other night and it made my back and head feel better, but he doesn't cuddle with me because he has his own cuddle buddy. And Jen wasn't feeling well the other night so she didn't want to cuddle with me. I just want to cuddle, damnit. Damn you.

But overall, my new room is almost complete. My mattress is still on the floor and most of my clothes aren't moved up, but it's legit. I can enterain in here. I feel comfortable in here. Ifeel like it's my own space...it will still be a shared space, but a space nonetheless. I'm locked away inside of these red and purple walls while construction guys are here doing their thang in the backyard. I have no idea what my mom has planned, but it's costing over $3,000 to do. That's all I know. I'm glad that we never have money, but we're always working on the house. My friends must think I'm such a liar. Here we have two decently new cars in the driveway, my parents built me a new room, sent me to an expensive private college and now they are building a new deck in the backyard. But we're poor, I swear. We do all this but we eat shitty food in the meantime. haha. I dont know what I'm saying. Alls I know is that with me upstairs, the construction guys are stealing our silver.

I can stare out the window all day and never tire. I entertain myself fairly easily and just staring at the trees and the cars and the pavement is okay in my book. A day well spent. I like being in motion and I like being fast like that. Seeing the world spin such as that. I've been thinking about the world a lot lately. Like, the world gave us these resources to become what we are, but were we supposed to actually use them? Was it part of the plan to overuse our resources, overuse eachother, and then kill ourselves off? Or was it free will? As far as I'm concerned, this world is going in the shitter. Slowly but surely, we're killing ourselves off. Maybe two or three years ago I saw a chance, but now....no. With war and global warming. Fuck it. We're dead. And was it meant to be this way? Were we meant to die and for a new human race to begin in a couple million years? Maybe there was an entire human race that existed before us, but global warming happened again and it destroyed all of the evidence and we started over again, making the same mistakes. Human nature, I suppose. I dont know what I'm saying.

I'm on drugs!




She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs