You crawled beneath my veins

I wonder about people sometimes. I wonder if anyone is ever really happy. Like, let's say, for example, my parents. They seem happy. I mean there are things that are shitty, like them always working and there never being enough money, so on. But they seem happy, ya know? Happy with eachother, happy with their children, their home, et cetera. But I wonder what happiness is and if they are, in fact, happy. Is happiness just comfort or acceptance of what you have? Because in more ways than one it seems that my parents have just accepted the fact that their lives turned out the way it did. When there is no money or the fact that they can't vacation in Alaska is just acceptable by now. Are standards just lowered until one is comfortable, and do we mistaken this for happiness? Or is being content something much more than that and it's a concept I don't grasp. As humans we tend to label our emotions. We can't just let things be. Everything that we feel has a word. When I feel like I want to cry, I am sad. When I am smiling, I am happy. When I yell at someone I am angry and when I blush I am embarassed. And I for one, am tired of such labels. We all know that how we each perceive things is different from the next person, so what makes sad, happy, angry and embarassed the same for everyone? And who is anyone to say when someone is happy. We are taught to label our emotions because we, as a human race, can survive easiest that way...with labels. When we categorize, we feel safe. Like we can manage ourselves and life. But I wonder about people and their emotions. What counts and what does not, ya know? Especially when it comes to happiness. I dont know my exact point with this whole thing--it has basically become my rambling of thoughts once again--but what is happiness? Not just a textbook definition. But what is it really? Is it being content or just accepting what life has thrown at you? Honestly, I dont think my mom is happy. This life isn't really what she wanted. We all have dreams about what our adulthood will become, and I know this is not it. She regrets not finishing school...what would have happened if she did. I bet she wouldn't have met James F. I bet she would have worked and met someone else, married someone else, had other children with other issues and appearances, drive a different car, live in a different house, maybe not even on the Island. Like, who the hell knows. And I know she isn't happy, but she isn't unhappy either. So if she's not uhappy, then we'd assume that she was happy...theories of English...so is this presumed happiness just acceptance? Is she just like, Alright, I'm just gonna do this because I have to and it's all I have. Ya know? Did any of this make sense? Probably not. Reptar was talking out of the ass again.

I discuss happiness with you all because I believe it is a pursuit for us all. Yes, I suppose like the movie, but that is with a 'y' for some reason...I still haven't seen the movie, so sue me. Anyways, I believe we are all in a pursuit of happiness. I say it all of the time. On fangled myspace surveys, it may question what you want to be in ten years and my answer is "happy." I dont give a shit what I'm doing with myself, I'll pick garbage for all I care...but as long as I'm happy doing it, then so be it. I just want to be happy. Don't you want to be happy? And I feel this way because I think somewhere along the way we give ourselves up to something else that we didn't totally want just to go with the flow. We need to fit into this thing called life, ya know? But I dont want to give myself up just to fit in. I'd rather be a triangle in a square society than just fit in. Fuck that shit, ya know? But I'm in pursuit of my own happiness. My own personal definition of it. And I think that means doing things my way. Living where I want to live, doing what I want to do, saying what I feel, fucking whomever I want, et cetera. I'd like to be in love and have that person love me back and I want to fix things for everyone else. I would want everyone to feel what I feel. Not accepting what life gave them, but doing more. Saying, Fuck you! to life and finding what is right for you. And no one else. And I want this. This is a dream or a goal because I am not this way as of current. Granted, more and more everyday I am more like myself and giving the finger to bitchez, but I still go with the flow because I have to. And my ultimate goal is to be happy and that to me means being myself and doing my own thing, regardless. Not giving a shit, ya know? Middle finger to the law. I'd like that, wouldn't you?

And I continue to discuss happiness because I am not it right now. I am at home, in a routine. and it's becoming more comfortable. And I don't want to be totally comfortable because that means I'll become lazy. I want to dorm and go to class and learn things. I want to travel to the city with my red hair and my black dress and buy some books in the village and read in Central Park. I want to study people in Central Park. Just see what they are doing and how they are acting. The last time I was there, some dude was balancing on his head and some chick was sunbathing in her bra and underwear. I was odd folk too because I was hippie dancing around the circle of friends laying in the grass. I'm sure someone was studying that chick over yonder, but let them, ya know? I am a human open to ridicule. I ridicule you, you do it to me. We're legit, no worries. But I am not doing this. I have a routine. I wake up at 6:20am, I go to work and see the same kids' faces, I come home and talk on AIM, I find food to eat, I go back to work and see the same faces and places and people and trees and grass and pavement, then I come home and go back on the computer. It's my routine. And most times I dont mind it...but now it's getting old. Call me restless. I call it not restless (clever, right?). I just want to be happy. I feel like my feet have little wheels and the world has a little track, and my wheels fit nicely on this track and I go around in a circle of acceptance. Not happiness. I want to be in love. I'd like to feel love again. I'd like to know someone else better than I know myself. I'd like to jump in a lake naked in the middle of the day if I damn well please and then smell like the water for the rest of the day because I dont feel like showering. And I want to take pictures of the world around me because it's too beautiful to just look at and not capture. And I want to write miracles and I want to be a driving force in the world. And I am not doing any of these. I am not in love, I am not knowing anyone better than myself, I'm not jumping in any sort of water naked, I do not smell like lake, I have no camera in my hand that is taking pictures, I'm not writing miracles, and I'm driving nothing in this world but myself in my car to get Naked Juice at Waldbaum's. So I am not happy. But I'm not unhappy. So have I just accepted things?