Never leave me without love

I feel like I need to stop looking for relationships because it seems that they fall into your lap when you're not looking. Karen, Eric, Sam and I went into the city today and went to a comedy club (which was tres funny). The second comedian, Marina, mentioned how she's looking for a man (even though she has one) and it's hard to get a man when you're looking because there's this look on your face that guys can read. It's like you're too needy. You are the little lap dog jumping up and down yelping "Pick me, pick me!" It's like, Hey, I'm desperate...just shag me already. I made that mini pact with myself that I wouldn't look for a relationship, but I always seem to and in the wrong places as well. I just miss snuggling and saying "I love you." I want to hold hands and stroke their hair, kiss them after I tease them and just say "I love you" when I feel like saying it. I want someone. I've figured out that I don't just want someone to have them, but I truly desire a significant other. Yeah, I like being single because I have the freedom to go to parties and say, "him" and just make that guy my target for the night. I have the ability, as a swinger, to chill with dudes and flirt 'til no end and make them believe that they're going to get something more out of me than just a witty conversation. I love that feeling. It's the Gemini in me. However, I have that damn Cancer that just wants to love and be loved. I just yearn to snuggle and cuddle and kiss and play and tease and love forever and ever...at least until the flighty Gemini comes into play and I get sick of that dude and just move on.

I'm thinking that if I stop being jealous about other guys (for no reason either) then I'll just seem like the chill dog in the park, not the peppy and annoying ankle biter vying for your attention. I don't consider myself needy, nor an attention whore...I just like it when the person that I'm flirting with focuses their attentions on me...who doesn't? Hey, I'm human with needs just like all ya'll. So fuck you. There are lots of assholes out there, but there are genuinely sweet guys who just want a good girl. And I am a good girl. I was given advice over the past two weeks about how I deserve better because I'm smart, funny and beautiful. Well, hey, as far as I'm concerned, those kinds of chicks should get all the dudes. Am I completely obtuse? I don't think so. Well, oddly enough, I feel like I'm a boutique-- people love how I am on the outside (cute and neat) and the inside is just amazing because there are fabulous items inside (like a kind heart, maybe?), but you never go in to actually purchase something. I attract window shoppers: I'm nice to look at and contemplate about, but not the store that you actually commit to and slam your credit card down on the counter in fervent excitement to get that awesome item from. Ya know what I mean? I'm the girl that is friends with tons of guys, but I'm usually nothing more than just the friend that's the girl...as in the girlfriend. Yeah, Fran is the chick that you sit back and drink beer with and joke about porn sites with (and hold intelligent conversations with), but she really isn't the girl that ya wanna take home to mom because she's almost too good to be true and I wouldn't want to fuck her up. Maybe that's not the actual excuse, but that makes me feel safe...it's not my fault, it's their own. I'm just too good of a person. pffft. I've always been told that I'm smart, funny and beautiful, but I'm just not good enough by being too good?

So yeah, I said that I'd stop looking for a relationship, just have a good time and hook up with people and just enjoy it. Well, on paper (or in a blog) that sounds like a great plan, but in actuality, I am a deeper, more sensitive girl and I'd like to do that mushy stuff and have connections with people, not just do stuff with them and move on. I am not empty nor numb inside, so I don't want to hurt myself in that way. There are people that could make suitable boyfriends, and I'd like that shit to go on, but I doubt it will. Why? Because I'm just the store that you window shop with, not actually shop in. At least I feel that way...especially now. I know I get stares. I see guys check me out. I know when they look at me, they see a pretty face and when they chat with me, they get to know a witty girl with at least half a brain. I'm starting to think that the whole "I'm an independent smart chick who won't just sleep with you to make myself feel more complete" look is sort of unappealing to the typical asshole on the street. Correct? I'm intimidating. I know what I want, and how I want to be treated. I know things like big words, and how to tie my shoes. I don't need anyone to pay for my dinner (unless it's Sam at an unplanned dinner), I don't need anyone to tell me how to think, I can develop my own opinions. I have depth and that scares some guys who just want a chick who will suck their dick with no strings attached. Maybe that's part of the problem? I'm just too good for most guys? hhmm...I could keep telling myself that. Maybe it's true? I mean, I see some people together--ya know, the white trash couples--and gag then feel down on myself because that fat slob with tits down to her knees, has someone to cuddle with at night. Then I remember that neither of those peeps have standards and are white trash. Which I am not. I am classy. I have been told that I am classy and I believe it. Moreover, I refuse to belittle myself in order to impress someone else. I will NEVER sacrifice my intelligence or integrity just to get attention; that's just pathetic. To get a few laughs from friends, I'll play dumb, but my smarty pants-ness is apparent. Yeah, I joke about flaunting cleavage to get free drinks, but I won't purposefully do that unless I'm already wearing the appropriate garb... I won't make a turtle neck low cut for a fucking amaretto sour. Yeah, I'll flash a little eye lust and a smile and I'll laugh at all the retarded jokes, but I will not make less of myself to be accepted or desired.

Why this ranting? Because it seems that some girls, effortlessly, get whomever they want...even if they don't want them. And sometimes that's good (and deserving) but hey, I'm deserving too. So why not throw some of that eye lust my way, eh? And even when you do, I just want it all because it's fun. It's nice to be wanted. We all want to be wanted. Needed. Desired. What are we without those? Incomplete. Basically, I'd like to know, if I'm such a great catch, how come I'm not being fought over? Why aren't there epic sword fights on account of my love? Why aren't their arguments over me? Maybe there are and I'm just deaf and blind...but I've checked up on that, and it's pretty safe to say I'm neither. As previously mentioned, I know I get stares. I see people staring at my chest. I see people stare at my ass. I see the eye lust (I like calling it that) reciprocated with my own. I can make guys laugh with the smile that says "wow, you're amazing." I've been called awesome and amazing and great and gorgeous and kinky and everything under the sun (almost) but...but...I don't even know. I'm so tired. I've been up since 9am, running around the city from 1pm to 1am...and it's now 3am. Maybe I should sleep? I might feel better about myself with some good ol' shut eye. Maybe I should stop being such a pussy and love myself as the single chick with options, not the girl with a broken smile pretending to be in love, and just sticking around with a guy in fear that it'll hurt and that you'll actually have to call yourself single. GASP. I'm not proving something to myself by just having someone. I just want to give someone kisses on their shoulder and neck just because it's fun. I just want to be a mommy to someone and be taken care of in return. I'm a sappy hopeless romantic and I will always be that way. I think love is great and everyone should have it. Love isn't a trophy that you parade around as though you're hot shit for "being in love." It's just one of those emotions that makes everything okay when it's pure. It just satisfies an unquenchable thirst. Love is fantastic. I glow when I'm in love. I know this for a fact. I just want that love glow. It just makes the whole planet sunnier.

Wow. This is a really long rant and I should probably stop now and sleep? Maybe. I hope this didn't sound emo and all "wow, this chick just needs to get laid." Yeah, well, I do. haha. Shwatevs. I admit it...some moments I'm tearing my fucking face off. I'm not ashamed to say that either. But basically, I have learned that I shouldn't want a relationship because that's just when a great one falls into place. I have also learned that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself and just keep that self-respect because that is more important than how great my blow jobs are (teehee) or how sexy I seem when I have empty things to say. I have learned that I am jealous (like whoa) and I like to mark territory and I'm not happy until I get the attention I want...eek. I have learned that you're more desirable when the guy knows that you don't want something with them (go figure). I have learned that I should just chill the fuck out. I know I'm cranky. Not even sure if this shit is coherent...gawd, I'm tired. There is more that I'd like to add...but tis late darlings. I must be going now...

G'nite.