.oh so well.

Ever take the time to look inside of yourself and see nothing but vast wasteland? Yeah, well that's what it's like at this moment. You'd think, considering that I've had a great week so far, that there would be millions of things for me to write about and discuss with my readers. But I got nothin'. Yeah, I could mention the adventure to Carmen in Lincoln Center, or the Spice Girls concert, maybe how great Karen, Sam, Eric and Dave are to hang out with. Maybe the affection I feel for some people or the odd fucking dreams that I've been having lately that involve random mother fuckers that I haven't seen in a long time. Yeah, I could also talk about old friends who have dicked me over, old friends that are always there, new friends that are becoming more affluent in my life. Maybe about my money troubles or the job at the campus museum that I'll HOPEFULLY get soon? Maybe? The time at the gym that Karen and I have is great and there is plenty of heavy breathing and some sex noises coming from me...so why not mention that? I am just in a blah mood at this moment. It just came over me suddenly like grey clouds rolling into blue skies, and I didn't even feel like writing any of this. I actually want to read but Allie is sleeping and I can't go in the common room because Mernelis is arguing with her "boyfriend" about some sort of bull shit. I have no where to go. Yeah, I could go downstairs, but I'm also sleepy and I need to catch up on my rest. People make me angry. People are hypocrites. They are liars and cheats. Everyone is out for themselves. No one notices this or that and the other thing. We see what we want to see and we think how we're told to think. Even those who feel they are against convention are somehow in the midst of it anyway. I try to be optimistic about this world: there is good; love solves everything; bad doesn't prevail. But you really look inside the world by taking a close look at the people who are in it, and nothing will ever change. We are genetically built to hold haste for someone or something because it keeps the flow of nature going. If there is good, evil must follow to keep the balance in check. If there is light, dark isn't too far behind. Our lives are held in a snow globe. Ever glance into one? From the outside, everything is serene and cute and the way the snow falls when it's shaken, is so beautiful. If you take a closer look, something is chipped or discolored and it's never so pretty again. Nothing is perfect. This world isn't perfect. The world, from afar, seems perfect. Up close there is war, hate, greed, poverty, suffering, death, starvation, pollution, destruction. People aren't perfect. I know this and you know this and it is inevitable. We walk this earth alone though we are always with someone. You are your best and only ally. I feel hollowed out on the inside. People make me feel this way. The world, and the fact that it will never be right, makes me this way. There is so much festering inside of me right now, that I have nothing to write about. Not one God damn word that will make a difference. Hemingway spoke of writing one true sentence. There isn't one of those in here. Not one fucking word that will shake you and break you into a million different pieces that will scatter around the atmosphere. Nothing will make you change. You will always feel insecure, insincere, inadequate. Ultimately you will grace this planet alone, with only your feet on the ground and hope in your heart. We are born to suffer and dream with love in our hearts. Nothing is ever good enough, so stop searching for that bull shit that will make everything right with this world. Just listen to some music and pretend that the lyrics will give you the answers to how you feel. I'm pissed because nothing is worth writing for inside of me. I have things to say but no one to say it to. I have expressions and no way to show that. I am angry that I can't profess myself to you without seeming psychotic. I'm a dam and my words are going to break it any fucking second and flood the landscape.

Good night.