I remember when I was little I imagined my future to be glamorous and carefree. I could think of anything and make it work. When I wanted to be a famous actress (known worldwide) by the time I was 24, I conjured up a plan that I would be discovered at my high school by fifteen and the movie directed by Steven Speilberg would be released by the time I was sixteen...and my career would just take off from there--I had natural acting abilities. When I wanted to be a doctor like the ones on TV, I imagined myself doing open heart surgery, and it taking a turn for the worse. After five minutes of dramatic background music, screaming and tossing of surgical utensils (and tons of blood splattered on the nurses), I saved the man's life and I was a great and heroic doctor who didn't buckle under pressure. And of course, my love life was always great. Filled with long-term, short-term and in-between term romances with only good looking guys with good careers and solid personalities. Someone to bring home to mom. And they all knew how to treat me, and they would always smell nice and they just got me and my tendencies. But every Elijah, Jake, William, Alex, Jim and Tim just couldn't keep up with this fast-paced, witty, challenging girl. No worries though, the sex was always great (even after we broke up; but that was only with Jim because he had persuasive grey eyes). And guess what? I never became the famous actress, nor am I pursuing a medical degree, and my love life is like the flatline of the so-called patient on my supposed operating table. And I dont think my life will ever be like that. Because I am never like that. I cannot be constant. Perhaps you could say that the only thing I'm constant at are my inconsistencies. I could never just decided to pursue one career for the rest of my living days. I could never pursue so many guys...who the fuck am I kidding? I'm too modest for the flashing lights of Hollywood; I'm too indecisive and fickle to be a brilliant surgeon; I'm too committed and emotional to just flop from one dude to the other.
We all imagine things because they are unattainable. If they could be in front of us, we would never imagine having it. I could never be those things, so it was easy to live in that imaginative world where I could. In the imaginary world I could be the ultimate smart, funny and sophisticated girl whom all the guys dig and pine for. I wanted to be that, so in my brain I became that. An imagination to hide behind, if you will. And sometimes I still find myself hiding behind an imagination, making plans for things that may or may not happen. Just because I want some things to work out a certain way, I'll think that maybe, just maybe, it will be just like that. But of course it doesn't happen and I sit and wonder why not? Well, smarty pants, it's becaues you sat around waiting for that shit to fall in your lap as opposed to working for it. Sometimes it's sheer luck to be discovered in a school auditorium. Other times you have to stand out in the crowd on purpose to be noticed. Sometimes one is just smart enough to be the perfect surgeon, but usually it takes a lot of studying and insomnia and dedication. And maybe I could bump into Mr.Right Now as I'm walking down the street with an armful of groceries, and he happens to break my jar of spaghetti sauce when our bodies collide. And he just happens to want to talk to me and I just happen to give two shits and let a complete stranger wine and dine me later that evening. But usually, as I'm learning more and more, those things (are non-existent, and)have to come to you, you can't just go looking for it wherever a singleton arises.
I've learned to make due with what's presented to me. And all of these presentations (?) are just in reach. For example, tonight was supposed to be the night...and it wasn't. Well, that's cool, I won't complain. It wasn't determined to be this way, right? So I shall wait patiently and let things pan out. And if it fails, well...
***
...I have a proficiency exam in eight hours, so I should get some sleep. But I'm gonna drink some water first because I is parched. And I ain't imagining that.
And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
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