will it rain today?

First and foremost, Happy Birthday Jen!!!! And if you're not too wasted to read this, I can't wait to see you later tonight and I hope that your 21st is greater than bunnies! Speaking of bunnies, Jen...*wink* you gotta let me in on that shit!

Anywho. Here you are reading this crap. Here I am at 2am writing this crap. Why? I don't know. I don't know why I choose to express myself online when I'm better off revealing myself to myself in a journal. I think about this wonderful Reptar blog, like why I've bothered to keep it. And I think it's because I just want people to know me better. I feel like there are some people who won't get me unless they read me and my words. I express myself better through the written word than the spoken because I get tongue-tied and nervous and I fumble like I'm drunk. Though I'm not, surprisingly enough. But I have this blog that I say stuff in and then all of you read it. And I know some of you check it on a daily basis. I'm not sure if it's THAT good and your day can't be good unless you read about Fran--consider me your morning cup of joe, or you just don't have a life. Or maybe you just want to know me better because you know that I'm better with the written word. Maybe, just maybe. But the blog strikes me as humorous because often I'm random or not random enough and/or I still don't explain myself well enough so people actually get what I'm saying. And I still remember when Reptar was still getting started and Allie found out and she said that emo lesbians wrote in blogs. Well. I don't really consider myself emo and/or a lesbian, so it makes this whole blog process even more entertaining because I wonder if I represent an emo lesbian. Like, what am I emo about? Being a lesbian? Or am I really emo but the fact that I'm a lesbian is not important, I just am. But Allie wouldn't mention the lesbian part if it weren't relevant, and as we all know, Allie is Moses (she's Jewish) and can say no wrong. What does it all mean Watson? It means that Charlie bit my finger. That's what the fuck it means.

My philosophy class is complete shit. I dont feel smart in that class because we run in circles. Do dogs look smart chasing their own tails for hours on end? We don't have a beginning or end and we just go in circles for three hours and get nowhere. Fuck philosophy. I've never liked it because arguing about what's real and not real is not really fun for me. Really! There are interesting concepts, and sometimes having a rousing discussion of "is boiling water really hot or do we just perceive it to be so?" with your friends is good clean fun as you watch your skin peel off in one huge layer after sticking your hand into a boiling pot continuously, but still debate that the water isn't hot at all because it's your perception and reality and perceptions differ from one human to another and the fact that your skin's rotting from your body does not mean a thing because that skin pile on the carpet is not proof enough that the water is seething hot. But not for three hours; we'd be masses of burning pink flesh. But hey, let's debate our pink flesh too while we're at it. For Jesus' sake, enough is enough. I'm sure if Jen and I got into a philosophical discussion about life and God and death and religion, we'd have enough sense to stop once we found ourselves exactly where we began. And if we didn't stop, I'd have enough sense to smother her with a pillow. And maybe I'd later ponder whether Jen's corpse was real or just a figment of my imagination, because she may have never existed before. Because what does existance mean? Just because we are here does not mean we exist, right? But what does "here" mean? Maybe my here is your there and we are everywhere and nowhere. But what does that mean? It just goes on and on...let's reiterate: dogs do not look smart chasing their own tails just as much as I dont look smart with Hofstra cups on my hands, stroking my chin and dancing to the macarena at dinner time.