Hey, remember that time

Okay, so once upon a time I was reading this awesome book called Mouthing the Words and Tobie barked to be let out to pee. I let him out to pee, then went to pee myself (not in my pajamas or outside, but in the bathroom), meaning to return to the back door and let him in from the 25 degree weather. Instead, I ventured back into my room, anticipating the next crazy rampage of Thelma. About a half hour later, I'm done reading and on my computer and I hear a blood curdling bark and I immediately rewind to thirty minutes ago when I let the dog out thinking "shit it's cold" and shutting the door again. I dodge to the back door, praying that somewhere along the line, I let the poor puppy in not remembering that I did it because I was so absorbed into my book. Sure enough, I open the door and he bolts into the house and runs around looking for someplace warm to lay down. He first went into my room but I guess he figured it would be a bad idea considering I was the one who forgot about him to begin with. He then barged into my parents room, then the shower, hoping it wouldn't be wet from the shower that I took a few hours ago. So, I sit here on my bed, typing away, sort of laughing at the fact that I left him outside and he is laying on the carpet in the hallway. I pray to Allah that all his vitals are in check. I don't want to be responsible for his death. The best part about all of this is that this is the second time I've done this to him...in this week. I think it was yesterday or the day before that I accidentally left him out while I was reading. I can't help it if the books I'm reading are captivating, okay? I swear I'm not inhumane...just forgetful. Sorry Tobie. And Arnold who I left out by accident when I was ten years old. That's a funny one. I used to sleep on the couch during the weekends because I'd stay up late to watch Nick @Nite. Well, I was sleeping on the couch and Arnold woke me up to let him out. Dazed and still sleeping, I let him out and returned to the couch. A dog that cannot be rushed to finish what he wants, I waited for him to bark to be let in again. Well, I kinda sorta fell asleep. In my dreams I heard a dog barking over and over again, and just when I realized that I was not dreaming, but that it was Arnold, my grandma came shuffling through the dark living room to let the poor thing in. I woke up, automatically apologizing to my baby boy and my grandma said that she heard him barking for about thirty minutes until she got up to let him in. Yeah. Imagine that. I'm evil. I should pee outside from now on.

I had a nice cry tonight. A new Hofstra bill came and it's more than we can afford because they didn't take out the $500 that they owe us this time. An older bill came that was affordable but we didn't pay it because I was told that I may receive more money because TAP got fucked up. So we waited and here this new bill comes, almost a thousand dollars more. Now I have to call the bastards tomorrow and see why it's sooo much more if the late fee is only $50. I think they think they're entitled to the extra $500 because this bill was paid late. Well, fuck them. It's not my fault we cant afford it. My mom said she could give them a down payment, then wait for TAP and see what else might come through (so I can actually EAT when I go back to the campus). My mom wasn't happy with any of this news, not making our entire financial situation any brighter, and once again, I feel like it's all my fault. Yes, they offered to pay for my first year, but I can't help but to feel partially responsible for their struggle. I broke down in my room, because I dont want my parents--who give the world to everyone--to suffer for the rest of their lives. I hate admitting that I cry, but every tear shed was one more reason for me to move Upstate next year and find a cheaper school. Besides all of the other reasons as to why Hofstra sometimes isn't the best fit for me, it's too damn expensive, and I fear, even with more financial aid, the price will still be too much for my pockets to handle once I take out loans. And coming from a chick who has no idea what she wants to do with herself, paying a pretty penny to study with a thumb up my ass (my own, not my professor's), just isn't worth it if I can get something more stimulating and CHEAPER someplace else (the school, not my professor). Geneseo has great credentials but a shitty location (six hours away). New Paltz (whom I have to pay and send HS and College transcripts to) is closer and a lot more my type of peeps, but is not as prestigious as Geneseo. I shouldn't plan ahead, obviously. It always leads to disaster or a shattered psyche. If I got into New Paltz, I'd have to take a girlie road trip with Britt and Jen and see the campus for myself. I've been told...ahem....that it is beautiful and gorgeous. Yet...ahem...I've been told that it's rundown and cheap. I'm going with the former...werd. We'll see. I hope the billing gets figured out. I'd like to be back in DAve's room by Saturday night, not worrying about having no meal plan...or education. I even pondered dropping out second semester, moving back home and starting at Suffolk until I could go to Geneseo. But then I realized that I'd never get to Geneseo because I'd slit my wrists from monotomy here in Patchogue. I can't fathom going to school from home and working like a slave to have, essentially, no money. It's not the idea of Suffolk that bothers me, but the idea of reverting into shit again: always stressed, home around the same drama, always working, etc. I dont want to do that anymore. I'd like to act eighteen, not forty-two. No spanks. So, yeah. I've thought about the cheaper options, but with some things, I have to stand ground and be selfish. When and if I make money, I can help my parents out. When I become the Queen of England I can always stash them in one of my many lavish homes in the English countryside. Willie won't mind =). I need to do this for myself like my mom didn't do for herself. I'm here on this earth to do amazing things, I know it. I refuse to work a 9-5 my whole life, never happy, always struggling to make ends meet. I refuse. I will not allow it. I'm above it. This all may sound really dramatic. Like, a possible misunderstanding, and I'm thinking of dropping out. But I have guilt on my mind when my mom is stressed over bills. I think, Hey, if I go somewhere cheaper this semester, she can keep the other money and not worry. I dont want her to worry. But it's inevitable. I just needed to vent here or else it would have been on my mind and I wouldn't have gotten any sleep.

My buddy list tab keeps blinking orange at the bottom of my screen and I dont know why. It's getting hella fucking annoying. That thing better stop taunting me...

I've been watching Lost season #2 and it's saucy!!!!! Mad crazy yo! I will probably steal disc three to watch tonight.

I have about eight phone calls to make tomorrow morning. I will probably be up around 9am. Yippeeeeeee.

The new semester starts soon (one I hope to be a part of) and I' m excited. I was reading when Dave called me, seeing if I was on campus. I wish I were because I miss 6'5". Fuck, I miss everyone. =( I should be there in a day or two, so yayyyyyy!!!

I'm gonna steal disc 3 if Mel will let me. My eyes will be glued to Syid for the next three hours. Sweet as fuck, ya'll.