I am sitting here on my bed, in my pajamas in the dark--my laptop screen illuminating what I need to see--and I am in severe pain. IT came five days early, the day of my sonogram and I cannot tolerate the pain anymore. I figured writing about complete bullshit would steer my mind away from the convulsions going on in my fallopian tubes, but talking about it, like a dumbass, seems to make it worse. Yeah, I'm a genius. I had to get a pelvic sonogram today at the doctor which means I had to have a full bladder. I woke up around eight, showered, then fell back asleep until 9:40am and chugged three glasses of water, then one more inside of the car on the way to Coram. I was kinda nervous that my bladder wouldn't be full and they'd turn me away and I'd have to go back or something. I dont know what the fuck I was thinking because fifteen minutes after sitting down, I felt the urge to pee. Five minutes after that I was getting antsy. Five more minutes later, I was called back to figure out more paperwork, at which point I couldn't lean forward because the pressure on my bladder was impossible. I couldn't lean back because it made my lower back hurt from my cramps. I sat back in the waiting room and ten minutes later, I was tapping my foot, praying for the sonogram machine to break so I could pee and relieve myself. No. That didn't happen. Another five minutes, I went into the exam room and the nurse pulled my pants down, and my shirt up (oh dirtayyy) and squirted cold jelly (she was kinky) on my lower tummy (and she must've thought I was a Virgo). Ever have to pee like a fucking race horse and then be cold? Not a good fucking combo. Then the little thing that goes on your tummy was pressed on my bladder, causing a dull pain. I could swear that I felt the urine swish around my bladder(like Dopey from the Seven Dwarfs when they're all washing up for dinner...all swishy swishy in his head :)), just waiting for my muscles to cave so I could pee on the table. This cold jelly and other nonsense thingy was a bad combo. I believe the nurse took around twenty to thirty pictures of my uterus (which is exciting for the Christmas cards I want to send next year) and it seems that she couldnt find a cyst...meaning other problems? Either way, the Chinese torture (in its own special way) ended and I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough. I peed for about a minute straight. I haven't felt that relieved in forever. I was breathing like I just had sex, I was so exhausted. hah. I have to wait a week for the results. oy.
So yeah...writing did help, but I stopped to think about something and the throbbing began again. And now my tummy is grumbling. Fuck, man. Can I get a fucking break for Christ's sake? Just one day without throbbing tubes, cramps, tummy grumbles... something? I want to be a boy for the next five to seven days. Thanks.
I'm reading a new book. The same author of Running with Scissors wrote Possible Side Effects. It's pretty nifty so far. He's definitely the kind of guy that I would date...except for the fact that he has a boyfriend. He's really sarcastic and he has a quirkiness that sets him apart from the norm...a good quality. And, not only that, he has a fucked up past of some sort. I've been thinking about this for, I dont know, the past couple of years, and it seems that I can't befriend anyone normal. Hey, I know that no one is "normal" but there are those that are more sane than others. Maybe I think I'm half sane and I'm actually a complete nut, attracting other looney bins. But I think it's my need to help people. I feel like I can help those that are troubled. Perhaps it's my fangled subconscious. Maybe I like to live dangerously? Sane people do bore me. Ever meet someone who isn't totally bonkers, and you feel that something is wrong with them because they're not weird? And then there are those that you meet, and they seem decent, and all of a sudden, in one night, they unload their life story upon your shoulders and expect you to fix it. Yeah...those are my favorites. But I think you're more sane when you can admit that you're insane. I know I'm pretty much insane, I'm just really level-headed about it. I often wonder when my "Oh wise one" psyche will shatter and I'll be completey nuts like every other fuck face on earth. I'll be the lady who walks around whispering to myself in the supermarket and yells at the cat food because the kitten on the box looks at me the wrong way. I'll also be the same lady who splits her knuckles while punching the lobster tank, convinced that I am the Queen of Lobsters and they are my followers...it is, afterall, my responsibility to lead them to my kingdom. Maybe I'll also be the lady who pees in random gas tanks only because I know my urine is unleaded. Yeah, when that day comes, Andrew will be bald. His ever receding hairline will bring me over the edge (or over the hedge if I decide to become a turtle or squirrel when I'm crazay) and I'll be arrested for drunk in public behavior without actually being drunk. pffffft. Yeah. OKAY. :)
I still want my Reptar pillowcase....
To alleviate cramps, I've begun holding my laptop up against my uterus. The warmth radiating from the bottom of Benjie is quite liberating.
I'm going to try to write a new play and actually finish it. This one is going to be a challenge because it's supposed to be funny all the way through...oy. I dont know if I have enough funny bone for that. Granted, I'm a Gemini, which gives me extra funny bone than the average, pathetic zodiac sign, but that part Cancer might get in the way...arghness
I can't wait to go to the gym again. I feel that I've been missing out on the gym sex screaming.
I've noticed an increased softness on my hiney and baby door because I'm not wiping myself with galvanized nails anymore...told ya so.
I shall eat something now. Preferably a stick on fire, as to distract from my pain. I hate anything with a penis right now. argh.
Another head aches, another heart breaks I am so much older than I can take And my affection, well it comes and goes. I need direction to perfection
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