Only love can save us now

I'm a hesitant person. No joke. Well, I'm sure a lot of people know that; it's nothing new. But it seems like the more time I spend on campus, the more I realize how hesitant I am. I could blame it on unstable surroundings; nothing is as comfortable as being home with old friends. I could blame it on my zodiac sign; Geminis are typically indecisive, thus hesitant about decisions made. Maybe I could point fingers at my father because he taught me to doubt some decisions made in fear of what other people will think. Essentially, it's me and my insecurities of some sort...

hesitation number one:
When it comes to my roommates, I never know what kind of stories to tell them. Basically, I'd like to not tell them anything because I am a private person. Well, they like to know about my life and all of its oddities. Most of the time it's them being nice, but a part of me thinks that they don't believe that I do stuff so they like to ask me shit that is no one's business. Even when I tell them, I feel like they don't believe me. Anywho, I hesitate how much I should actually tell them, ya know? When they ask me and there's no chance of getting out of the situation with just "stuff" I say more than just "stuff." I get poked and prodded until the full story comes out...then I say too much and get asked more questions which aren't their business. I hesitate.

hesitation number two:
It's the Spring Semester here at Hofstra. I walk across Oak street three or four times a day, yet I still freak out on my judgement of placement of cars and when I should go. It's like playing Frogger sometimes with cars pushing down the road at 70mph, or cars that seem like they'll smash into you, then slow down and go into the turning lane, totally fucking with you, and you think, "Hey asshole! If you put a fucking blinker on, I could have went...and not wait for this OTHER car to go." I hesitate and still don't know.

hesitation number three:
Ya know when you make eye contact with complete strangers and you don't know what to do? I never know if I look at them and look away as if I never actually saw the whites of their eyes (just reading the sign conveniently located behind their transluscent heads) or if I should smile. Hey, they could be a potential best friend or boyfriend, right? It's a last second decision. I hesitate at what to do, and my chance of dating the hottie with cute hair is basically done. Ugh.

hesitation number four:
On my way to class this morning (after I hesitated in crossing the street) I went through the side door of the Student Center (wo0t to the shortcut) and at the top of the stairs, opening the door, was a frail old lady all out of breath, leaning on her cane to take off her gloves. I froze. What the hell do I do? She looked at me and smiled as she heaved and took off her winter layers. Well, hesitation number three was taken care of because she smiled at me; I smiled back and said "Good Morning" because she was an old lady. But she was a reallllllly old lady and I didn't know if I should toss her over my shoulder and take her where she needed to go or ask her if she needed help, or do what I usually do, trip the bitch and steal her purse. It was my biggest hesitation all week so far (amazing because it's already been two days) and after I said good morning, I smiled again and kept on walking. I felt bad that I didn't ask the cute old lady if she needed help. How do I make this up to her and myself? I walked slower toward the lobby to show her that it's okay, I walk slowly too and to see if she did, by chance, kick the bucket, I could be there to call Public Safety and tell them to bring a body bag. I hesitate.

hesitation number five:
What do I get for dinner? Just ask Andrew how often I used to call him and ask him what I should get to eat at the Student Center or Neth. Cafe. Everytime I walk into an eating establishment on campus alone, I never know what to get. If I'm with peeps, I just follow them and get what they get so it's easier for me. No. Alone, I stand there, then circle the place a few times as though glimpsing at everything four times over makes the decision any easier, and I choose something that I actually never wanted because it's the shortest line. Then, when I'm on the line, and there are fangled options, I hesitate more. Do I want grilled or crispy chicken? Regular or waffle fries? Apple or pear? Toasted or not? God damn choices. I vote for a version of Communism. I won't hesitate for that...but I dont look so good in red.

Now that I think of it, it's not totally hesitation. Just retardation. Nevermind.

Come into my world...