Tiny dancer in my hand

Ever hear a song in the car and when it comes on, you turn it up until the rearview mirror shakes? Even though the outside world is locked out of your car, and you can't hear a damn thing with your eardrums pulsating, it's still not loud enough. Like, even all the way up, it's not seeping into your skin the way you want it to; it doesn't feel like you can reach out and touch the song. The words and music are a tease and it's like you can almost have it in your hand--your heart racing, vocal chords stretching--but you're never close enough. Just one of those songs that are timeless for every generation. And then you have that song in an amazing movie where people sing it from the heart and what is said in the lyrics has never meant so much to you before. It's your reason for respiration and it makes you want to place words to paper until the universe makes sense to you. That equation is its own rush. A drug. A high. An inspiration to spill your guts to anyone and everyone that you've kept a lazy secret from--one that is easy to admit to, but sometimes you just dont feel like it. Do you ever feel antsy from one of those moments? My solution is writing so I came here. It seems to be the only outlet that works. Since I'm on my own drug rush, I might as well not waste it, sitting and watching TV. I'm quite sick of it to be totally honest. It stings my eyes and ruins my awesomeness.

I have one hundred pages left of that book...I'll polish that off tomorrow and maybe watch Capote. I have found a new favorite movie: Almost Famous. I watched it for the first time tonight and I'm not in love with it, but I have a fo' serious crush. It's just one of those things where you want to say "fuck it" and do what you want to do and not listen to convention. I can't even count how many times I have a desire to go where I want and do what I want. I usually stop myself for other people. There comes a time where you must start living for yourself and not others. I know this. I tell others this a lot. But when it comes down to it, I dont think people actually mean it. How many people do you know that actually follow that? Who truly lives for themselves? We have someone in mind most of the time. And if not someone, then something that holds us back. I want to live around the world; be in basically every country for a period of time, experiencing culture and people and taking pictures of anything that grabs at my heart strings. I'd like to work and make enough money to support myself until it's time to buy a plane ticket to another country and do it all over again. That dream is def Hollywood because it's usually the rebel who makes that life seem easy. They pick up on languages easily and always seem to find their way around and have enough money to be comfortable. But I yearn to see the world and shake as many strangers hands as possible. Make friends in odd places and keep them in my memory, heart and picture frame forever. I'd like to die knowing what the Dead Sea looks like, how the desert smells, what people in India do for fun. An even bigger dream is to be a doctor and travel to the destitute areas of this country and others and fix people. Anything from a paper cut to fatal wounds. I have an urge to fix people, I always have. There is so much good in this world and it can prevail if people are shown what good can do. I dont believe that world peace can ever be accomplished, it's just human nature to hate. But I do believe that understanding eachother would help our burdens. I just want to help and give more than medical supplies. God, it's so annoying when it feels like I'll never be able to do any of this. It comes down to living for yourself. I tell my parents that if I were to become a doctor, I'd want to heal the sick and travel the world...not have a spacious practice in Manhattan and live in absolute wealth. Everything comes down to money. But I don't care about it. Seeing people feel better means more than nice clothes and a car. I express my humanity and I get an eye roll and sigh. Yes, I'm allowed to heal people, but I should only do it for my own monetary benefit. Yes, I should be a doctor, but I should only do it to obtain the goal of the spacious practice in the city. Somehow that stimulates more pride than helping people because I want to. I want to see and do and feel and smell...live above the middle. I'm told that I can live above the middle, but doing what's good for my wallet. Not living above the middle with true happiness and with my own life. As nice as a cozy home with a family and two dogs sounds, it makes me queasy to think that I'd become just another citizen, working to make ends meet and not living how I want to live. Who lives for themselves? I don't. I want to.

Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums