The qualities you dislike others for is really what you hate in yourself. Sound true? I think so. Take a step back and look at those that you "hate" because they're too loud or lazy or immature and take a gander at yourself and you'll see that you probably have those same issues and you hate yourself for it, but you lash out at others. An old friend of mine explained this to me (she heard it from somewhere) and it's a philosophy to live by. I can't really hate anyone, ya know? I'm just not that type of person to hold angst and rage inside at someone; most of the time I pity their souls for being horse shit. But when I'm angry with someone I evaluate (like a fucking dork) what I'm mad at and see if I hold that contempt for myself. Most of the time it works...most of the time. I've been trying this exercise most recently (as in the past twenty minutes) and I guess I have frustration about the opposite as the person I'm mad at. I suppose it's easier to hash at their insanities rather than look at my insecurities. Psychological enough for ya? pfft. Welcome to my fucking mind! My left brain totally dominates the right, thus why I can solve mathematics and write analytical papers, yet I draw a quick "sketch" of Andrew and he looks like he belongs in a Where's Waldo book, Insane Asylum Special Edition. I'm glad I thought this out though. Hell, it doesn't change shit and there won't be a hop to my step now, but I'm definitely more aware of myself which is both good and bad. I most def know myself inside and out (I think TOO MUCH) yet I know a lot and that stops me sometimes. From what you ask? Well, I could tell you but I wont because I'm a fucking pussy. I suppose that's a prime example. Figure it out monkey dung.
A pleasant surprise: I saw Irina yesterday. I haven't really seen or heard from her since we left Pat-Med in June. She seems to be doing really well at Pratt. I'm glad she's finally grasping what it's like to be a teenager with drinking and boys and parties. I think it's funny how we have parallel situations with our love life. It made my situation so much more relatable and I suppose that I am not the only Freshman to be thinking what I'm thinking. What struck me though is when she asked, "How do you know when you're in love?" and I had no direct answer for her. I told her it's different for everyone as far as what makes them tick when in love, but it's just this feeling you get. I'm no pro and I'm not claiming to be, but I think it's kinda like when you had a really long day and all you want to do is sleep because you really haven't gotten any all week, but you're more content watching your significant other sleep and dream and noting how their tummies move up and down. It's like you'd rather be an insomniac than get the sleep you need, all to watch the person you love sleep. Like somehow that's more vital to your life and your functioning. I can't really explain that scenario very well, and that's not the only ramification to love, but it's a metaphor-like situation. I told her that she'll just know if she is and not to think about it too much because it ruins the beauty in romance. How do you answer that question? I was basically speechless and I rambled a lot (like usual). I've been thinking about love for the past month or so and what makes it so important to us. I know that I want someone to be in love with and someone to fall in love with me--we all seek that. But why? I'm coolio enough to chill by myself and have friends and family to love and love me back, yet I yearn for that someone to say "I love you, baby" to and cuddle with and kiss and spoil with my motherly ambitions. Yes, thanks Andrew, I'm aware that I'm a mush. I haven't met anyone so far that makes me want to give 100% of myself in that way. Well, that's not totally true, but I suppose that I'm still stuck in the mindset that there are restrictions, when I know there really aren't any. So who's to say that the feeling will or won't grow with time or passion? No one is telling me that but myself. So, I'm the one to blame. This veered...uh...so love is a many splendored thing? Yeah, it will also knock you down and make you feel like shit. I've been thinking about it and I think love is so broad yet so simple (we make it complicated) and it's the best feeling in the world; it surpasses any high imaginable because it is the ultimate rush. Yeah, I'll stop now only because this is a boring ramble of dumb shtuff. werd.
Andrew slept over last night because my parents are away and we're both geezers. Granted we both worked yesterday and we both had to work today, but we passed out around 2am which is early for a sleepover. I wanted to put ketchup on his hand and tickle his nose with a feather so he rubbed his nose and got ketchup on it =) but then I decided that it would be awful. Actually I just thought of that now, not last night...but I wouldn't have the heart to do that to my Andrew. He's special, he wouldn't understand why his big sister is so mean to him =)
What else? Not much. I'm gonna go shopping today then go to work...and have an oooooober awesome dance party/ sleepover with Jen and Britt and Andrew. yayness. Toodles.
And it's cold and darkness falls
It's as if you're in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me
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